旅途腳印 索達吉堪布-自序 Footprints on the Journey - AUTHOR』S FOREWORD
旅途腳印
Footprints on the Journey
索達吉堪布 著
自序
AUTHOR』S FOREWORD
總算是交稿了，我長長地舒了一口氣。
At long last, I have finally completed this manuscript. I can』t help letting out a deep sigh of relief.
這本虎頭蛇尾的日記，差一點胎死腹中，能有今天的誕生，真可謂一波三折。今天，這位幽居「深閨」待嫁近兩年的「黃花閨女」，終于邁著「半老徐娘」的姍姍步子，羞羞答答地出來面見「公婆」了。但直到此刻，左右搖擺的念頭還在大腦中盤旋，使我對是否最終付梓仍然猶豫不決。恐怕在若干年後，我真的會為今天的一念之差而後悔。
That this diary now makes its debut is not without twists and turns; after a good initial start it nearly didn』t make it. This bride-to-be 「young maiden」 has been hiding out for almost two years. It is only now that she, after nearly turning into a fading beauty, gingerly and bashfully, steps out to meet her future 「parents-in-law」. But even at this moment, my mind is still vacillating. I can』t decide if I should have it printed. Many years from now, I am afraid, I may be plagued with regret over a decision made in a moment of weakness.
當初動筆寫這些日記，是因為身居廈門，瑣事鮮少，閒來之余，偶爾翻看金厄瓦·羅珠堅參撰寫的《開啟修心門扉》，每每感慨良多：如此之清涼盛宴，如果私自獨吞，實在是不合情理。不如每日從中摘錄一些妙言佳句，與他人共同分享，這樣就可起自他二利兼具的事半功倍之效，何樂而不為？
The genesis of this diary came from my reading of Opening the Door to the Mind: Training on the Graded Path to Enlightenment by Gyalwa Lodro Gyaltsen Palzang while I was staying in Xiamen. At that time I was free from trivial responsibilities and had the leisure to read and savor very much this wonderful teaching. But to hoard such a Dharma feast selfishly runs against my sense and sensibility. Why not select a few excellent passages daily from it and share them with others? It would benefit not only myself but also others. That is, one gets twice the results with half the effort. Why not go ahead with it?
日記的雛形就在這樣的情況下形成了。但令人尷尬的是，後來我終于抵不住《門扉》的誘惑，將它徹頭徹尾地翻譯出來了。這樣一來，日記中的很多內容，也就陷入了進退兩難的境地。我曾嘗試著去刪改，但一來精力有限，二來懶惰懈怠，所以一直未能徹底付諸實施。
Thus the rudimentary form of this diary started to take shape. Yet serendipitously, I was so enthralled by Opening the Door to the Mind that I could not resist translating it from beginning to end. Having finished that, I ran into an awkward situation as to what to do with the bulk entries in my 「diary.」 I tried to resolve the dilemma by revising it, but never got the job done due to my indolence and limited vigor.
我為自己找到了一個冠冕堂皇的托詞：我寫日記的目的，主要是為了檢點自己的行為，審視自己的思想，對自己的所作所為進行反思，以促我成長，策我精進，並不是為了博得別人的掌聲和鮮花。既然如此，又何必過分注重形式上的完美呢？更何況，古人也云「溫故而知新。」即使將這些內容重看一次，也有百利而無一害，又何必勞神費力地把它改得面目全非呢？有了這個自我開脫的藉口，使我一下子輕松了許多。
I found some high-sounding justifications for myself: The purpose of my writing a diary is not for winning public applause or bouquets of flowers; rather, it is for reflection on my own conduct, thoughts, and everything I do, such that I could keep my efforts going and make progress. Why put so much emphasis on external perfections? What』s more, as the adage says: 「Reviewing old material, one gains new insights;」 by reviewing the entries once more, there shouldn』t be any harm but there could be many benefits. Why worry and toil over changing the diary beyond recognition? Armed with my own rational excuses, all of a sudden, I felt relieved.
雖然一開始，我將這本書命名為日記，但在日記所跨越的這段日子里，卻並非每一天都能有感而發，有的時候因為太忙而靈感枯竭，就不得不日後還賬。但有時卻心潮澎湃、心緒飛揚，紛紜的念頭如同脫韁的野馬，有限的篇幅根本無法控制住我一瀉千里的思緒，我就趁此良機洋洋灑灑地將幾天的任務一氣呵成。
Although called a 「Diary」 in the beginning, the entries of this book were not necessarily made on a daily basis. Sometimes I had to make up for a few days』 content because of a stagnation of thoughts resulting from being overly busy. At other times my mind would bubble with ideas that rushed over me like pounding waves or the galloping of wild horses, and could not be contained on the pages. My pen, trying to keep up with the torrent of inspiration, would jot down in a flowing and bold style many days』 entries in one stretch.
動筆之初，因為時間充裕，幾百字的篇幅根本不在話下，隨心所欲之間便一揮而就，所以也感到躊躇滿志、志在必得。但下半年回到學院後，我就被繁重而瑣碎的雜事所纏繞，想從每天紛亂的頭緒中整理出條理清晰的日記，箇中艱辛，實在一筆難述。騎虎難下的我，時常被江郎才盡之感所逼迫。尤其是當我發現在漫長的一年中，居然還有一個閏十月時，驚恐得我幾乎想扔下鍾愛的筆。在道友的鼓勵下，才不得不硬著頭皮，艱難地往前跋涉。我彷彿被債主追得窮途末路的窮鬼，身不由己地四處狼狽逃竄，卻怎麼也逃不掉日日積累的債務。
In the early phase of this work, ample time allowed me to finish articles of a few hundred words quickly with seemingly little effort; this made me very confident and proud of myself. However, after returning to the Gar Five Sciences Buddhist Academy in the second half of the year, I was immediately ensnared by many heavy and trifling matters. My thoughts were jumbled; it became almost impossible for me to sort out clear thinking for even one diary entry. I can』t describe the frustrations over the feeling that my inspiration had dried up. It was like riding a tiger and I found it hard to dismount. What』s more, there was a leap month of October in that year, a realization that almost made me throw away my beloved pens, if not for the encouragement from many Dharma friends. Biting the bullet, I trudged on, but I felt like a destitute person being chased by creditors, running here and there to hide, but finding no way to flee from the ever growing pile of debt.
我沒有精力再應付下去了，只有暫時擱筆。習慣于筆耕不輟的我，終于絞盡腦汁為自己的半途而廢想到一個下台階：在以後的某個不是很忙的下半年中，將未完成的日記補足，我甚至為將來的作品起好了名字——《730天中的365天》。但是，要想在我的有生之年中，找到一個不太忙的下半年，恐怕是難上其難的。所以，這個願望也就一直未能實現。這本殘缺的日記書稿，就在我的書櫃底層沉睡了將近兩年的時間。
I was just too exhausted to deal with it, and so had to leave it half done. Yet as someone with a strong affinity for writing, I managed to fabricate an excuse to get out of this embarrassing situation: At some point in the future, when not too busy in the second half of a year, I would catch up with the unfinished part of my diary. I even thought of a perfect title for my diary-to-come—365 Days Out of 730 Days. But in truth, finding a not-too-busy half-year in the rest of my life is almost out of the question. So my wish was never realized. This draft of my incomplete diary ended up at the bottom of the drawer, sinking into deep sleep for nearly two years.
直到2004年1月7日的那個寒冷冬日，三界導師、眾生怙主——法王如意寶，忽然在我們措手不及之間離開了人世。每一位弟子，都一下子跌落在遠甚于痛失親人的悲慟之中。異常沉重的打擊使脆弱的我幾乎一蹶不振，無依無靠的失落感一次次地鞭打著我傷痛的心。直至荼毗儀式結束，空蕩蕩的心仍然沒有著落。上師用刻骨銘心的現實，給我們上了一堂生動的無常課，使我更真切地體會到萬法的無常。
Then, on a bitterly cold winter day—January 7th, 2004—the Master of the Three Worlds, the Protector of all beings and our most beloved Guru Wish Fulfilling Jewel, H.H. Jigme Phuntsok Rinpoche, left this world. Totally caught off guard by his sudden departure, every student was stricken with utter sorrow, grieving even more than when losing relatives. My frail body collapsed at this heavy blow, almost unable to recover; the sense of total loss whipped again and again on my already painful heart. Long after the Cremation Ceremony, I could find nothing to fill my hollow and blank mind. Our teacher chose to show us what impermanence is by this stark reality, which will be forever engraved in our bones and hearts. I was shaken and made keenly aware of the impermanence of all phenomena as never before.
「不能再等待了！」一個聲音不斷在耳邊響起，叩擊著我那顆幾近麻木的心房，使做著長遠打算的我，放棄了期待日記有朝一日能夠完整的念頭。我翻出了塵封已久的殘稿，漫無目的地翻閱著。在這本日記中，也記載了一些上師的教言，在上師離去之後，更顯得彌足珍貴。如果能早日與大家見面，或許能夠幫助大家度過這段冰冷陰沉的日子。在沒有足夠的興趣與心情的情況下，我只是將文字作了一個簡單的校對，就讓缺胳膊少腿的日記匆匆上路了。它究竟會遇到什麼樣的命運呢？我不禁為它的將來感到擔憂。
「Wait no more!」 This calling started ringing in my ear, tapping at my heart that had almost gone numb. It dawned on me that I could not keep on making long-term plans and waiting for one of these days to complete the diary. Retrieving the dust-covered draft and flipping through the pages, I was absent-minded until I caught sight of some teachings from our revered teacher in it. How lucky that I had written them down and how precious these entries seemed, now that our teacher had left us! If I could make the diary available soon, wouldn』t it help many of us to struggle through this chilly and dark period? Thus, without much fanfare, I made simple edits to my words and sent it off on the road hurriedly—incomplete as it was in many aspects. What would be the fate awaiting this diary? I cannot but worry about its future.
世間以筆桿為生的人如恆河沙數，這本寒磣的日記，從文字的角度來評價，趕不上普通的漢族，他們語言上的優勢也足以讓我自愧不如，更何況那些令我望塵莫及的大師們？它只能算得上是一名忠誠的記錄者，像登流水賬一樣地記錄了我的心路歷程，每天頭腦中閃現的一絲絲念頭，與平時生活相關的人和事，反映了一個普通佛教徒真實的思想、生活和感悟，沒有前所未有的高見，沒有深奧晦澀的理論，沒有驚世駭俗的語言。它像一些零碎的音節，組成了一段接近自然但卻並不輝煌的樂章，奏出了我在一年中所經歷的風風雨雨、點點滴滴；它像一只普通的腳印，記載了我在茫茫無邊的人生沙漠曠野中行進的一個真實片斷。
Assessed from the viewpoint of writing, this humble little diary is nothing when lined up against the works of numerous professional authors in the world. As to the command of Chinese phraseology, I cannot compare with even an ordinary Han Chinese, let alone with those of great masters behind whom I could only be left in the dust. This diary, on all accounts, can only be qualified as a faithful recorder which takes glimpse after glimpse into the adventures of my mind; it faithfully reflects the thinking process, the everyday life, the perceptions, the daily encounters with the world and its people, of an ordinary Buddhist. Lacking any unprecedented idea, profound or complicated theory or shocking proclamation, this diary can only be likened to a plain musical movement. Spontaneously assembled from a few fragmentary pieces, it nonetheless plays out the vicissitudes, bit by bit, of my life throughout the year. Leaving marks on life』s vast desert plain, it is like the footprints that trace the actual passage of my time.
雖然我曾一再囑咐他人，不應過分分心于外境，更無須攪入宗派之爭，而應向內觀心。但在這本日記中，除了一些老生常談、鸚鵡學舌之外，也免不了對他人的評價與批判，事後發現，咄咄逼人的語言太多，自揭其短的內容卻太少。書中所推薦的一些自以為殊勝的教言，雖然自己愛不釋手，別人是否會生起同感也很難保證。
You may find in this diary, besides being commonplace or merely echoing others』 words, some of my judgmental views and criticisms of others. They contrast glaringly to my own advice to others, for example, to not become too distracted by the outer world, and to not get involved in sectarianism, turning only inward to the mind, and so on. What』s more, I also noticed the over-usage of aggressive statements and little mention of my own faults. Some of the quotes or teachings—my favorites—that I recommended with enthusiasm may not strike a chord in others.
每個修行人，在修行的旅途中都會有一些體悟，只是有的人喜歡將其深埋于心而已。正是別人的不願聲張，卻給不甘寂寞的我，提供了一個王婆賣瓜的絕佳機會。《集學論》云：「譬如甘蔗堅硬皮中少有其味，人食皮已，無復能得甘蔗甜味，是故廣說者如甘蔗皮。伎藝者住戲場中別說功勤自以為得。」我這個「自以為得」的「伎藝者」，卻不聽規勸，自不量力地將這個如同懶女人裹腳般的「甘蔗皮」奉獻了出來。
For each practitioner, various experiences may arise while walking on the spiritual path. Some prefer to keep such experiences to themselves; their silence provides me with the exact opportunity to show off. Unwilling to be neglected, I am here prattling like a melon salesman extolling the sweetness of my fruit. In Compendium of Trainings, it says: 「In the bark of sugarcane, there』s no sweetness, no matter how one chews on it. Should one teach Dharma without going through deep meditation, he is just like the bark of the sugar cane」, and: 「It』s a fault to babble like an entertainer giving a show, it does not provide any service as you might have imagined, you may actually diminish your own merit」 Here I, the 「entertainer,」 ignoring advice and overrating myself, present the lazy lady』s foot-wrap, or 「sugarcane bark」 of mine, as an offering.
還算是有自知之明的是，如果讓我推薦自己的作品，那一定還是《大圓滿前行引導文》或《入行論》。與聖者的智慧相比，凡夫的分別念實在不能與其相提並論。所以，諸位如果對此不感興趣，儘管將其束之高閣，我實在不願擔當浪費別人時間的罪名。
Nonetheless, I do know my limitations. If you ask me to make recommendations about my own work, no doubt the translation and commentary on The Words of My Perfect Teacher and the commentary on A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life are at the top of the list. But how can the discursive thoughts of an ordinary person be compared to the wisdom of the supreme beings? So, if this diary does not interest you at all, please do not hesitate to leave it on the shelf. I really don』t want to take on the blame of wasting others』 time.
但是，在你修行的閒暇之中，如果能以翻看這本日記作為消遣方式，應該勝過世間那些以貪嗔痴為主題的娛樂形式。當然，如果能因這本書，而令你或你身邊的人對三寶生起恭敬之情，對眾生萌發悲憫之心，哪怕只是一剎那，我的一番心血也算是沒有白費了。
On the other hand, should you like to read something leisurely during breaks of your practice, leafing through the pages of this diary may be more meaningful than spending time on worldly entertainment that caters to desire, hatred, and delusion. Furthermore, if this little book arouses in you or those around you even only momentarily the respect for the Three Jewels or compassion for sentient beings, all my hard work will have not been in vain.
我默默地發願：
Here I am making these silent prayers:
如果這本日記是一道光，
Manifested as a beam of light this diary may be,
我不敢奢望這點寒光能與日月爭輝，
The wild wish for it to match the brilliance of the sun or the moon I do not have.
只希望它能在無月的夜晚，充當一顆不起眼的星星，為照亮幽冥的黑暗作出一絲微弱的貢獻；
Only, like an inconspicuous little star in one moonless dark night, May its feeble light shine in the gloomy darkness!
如果這本日記是一點清涼，我不敢奢望它能成為橫掃炎夏的秋風，只希望它能在酷熱的夏日，充當一棵不知名的小樹，給煩熱難賴的人帶來些許的涼意；
Manifested as cool comfort this diary may be, The wild wish for it to sweep away summer heat as the autumn gale I do not have. Only, like a nameless little tree on a sweltering hot day, May its shade provide cool shelter for beings tormented by heat!
如果這本日記是一劑藥，我不敢奢望這副藥能包醫百病，只希望它能在人們心煩意亂的時刻，充當一支鎮靜劑，讓一顆躁動疾馳的心有片刻的停駐。
Manifested as a medicine this diary may be, The wild wish for it to be a panacea to cure all diseases I do not have. Only, like a soothing palliative for the jittery and the restless, May it offer peace and comfort during a time of distraught!
春歸的大雁，請你告訴我，我的願望能實現嗎？
Oh wild geese, high in the sky, Flying back north in the spring Could you please tell me: Will my wishes ever come true?
謹以此書奉獻給 與我一同懷念大恩上師的道友們
I dedicate this book to all my Dharma friends who, like me, will forever remember our most revered Guru!
甲申年正月初三法王如意寶誕辰之日 索達吉恭書于喇榮
Written with reverence at Larung Gar Five Sciences Buddhist Academy On the birthday of H.H. Khenchen Jigme Phuntsok Rinpoche January 3rd, Year of JiaShen Sodargye